Ignorance has me sitting here shaking my head….

You know, I’ve heard some ridiculous things in my life and there’s no doubt I’ll hear more, but once in a while, I hear something that leaves me speechless…and not in a good way.

I was just talking to a friend and he was telling me a story that I’ve heard before. He’s a writer who spins amazing tales that leave me heartbroken before he picks up the pieces and puts it all back together again. I believe his books are so wonderful because he’s writing m/m stories from the point of view of a gay man who has lived what he’s writing about. There’s so much of him in his stories that I recognise from what I know about his life. The details might not be the same but he and his husband of many years are still in love and that’s something to be admired.

And that’s not to say that the ladies in this genre don’t write some breathtaking stories, because there’s some out there who make me crave every story they write because they are just that talented and fantastic. I feel lucky as a reader to have more and more stories to choose from in this field and I’m grateful to all the writers who grace us with their musings.

The thing my friend and I were talking about? The issue that’s put a burr under my saddle so to speak? He’s been told by women writers, to his face, that gay men should not be participating in m/m romance because it was “invented by women, for women”.

I have to admit, the top of my head just about blew off. And just to be clear here, I am a straight, female who is proud to be a part of this amazing family of writers but I cannot believe the gall of someone telling a GAY man that he shouldn’t be writing GAY romance stories because it’s not about him…

Excuse me? As far as I’m concerned, I am grateful beyond belief to all the gay men who have supported my writing over the years. This is them and their lives that I’m writing about and I do my damnedest to make sure I get it as right as I can. In fact some of my friends roll their eyes when I ask them questions because they’ve been asked “is this right?” so many time and they think I’m being a little ridiculous.

But as the writing community has found out in the last week, words hurt. Maybe most people don’t mean them with that intent, but if it is pointed out to you by people you are supposed to be supporting that what you’ve said has offended and hurt them then there is one proper course of action.

Apologize sincerely and learn from your mistake. Then move on. Don’t bluster and try to make light of it. Don’t accuse them of being too sensitive and don’t belittle their feelings. Be a grownup.

I don’t believe the gender of the writer is important in most cases. What’s important is the story and the feelings it invokes in the reader. But telling someone they shouldn’t be writing about their own lives is preposterous and if it wasn’t so ignorant it would almost be funny.

So I want to say thank you to all the men out there who have read my stories and sent me messages thanking me for them. I love hearing about how something I wrote has touched someone in some way. It’s what I dreamed of as a writer.

And I want to thank all the men who have supported me as I’ve dragged a story kicking a screaming out of my brain. The ones who told me when I got something right and the ones who told me when I got it all wrong. Both have helped me grow as a writer and I appreciate it more than I can ever express.

Anyway, that’s my two cents. My friend’s hurt was something I couldn’t ignore because it wasn’t something he deserved and I hope that the men in the genre realize that most of the women around here don’t feel that way and that we are happy to stand alongside you as we all try to live out our dreams.

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2 Comments

Filed under Things that bug me., This is important., Writing and thinking.

2 responses to “Ignorance has me sitting here shaking my head….

  1. Ashley

    I wonder if these people whose criticism is based solely on gender would be able to distinguish between a male and a female writer, if no information on the identity or the sex of the author was available. Insight, an understanding of human behavior, an honest effort towards accuracy, and good old-fashioned common sense are universal; no demographic owns these.
    I’m not familiar with your work, Cindy, but I believe my boyfriend is. He left this page open on his computer once, so I asked him about it. He said you write like someone who has no desire to conform to another’s agenda or ideals, you don’t seek to impress others, and you “cut through bullshit like a knife”. I think he’s right from what I’ve read here,
    I also believe you’ve been helping him sort some things out, while having no idea you were doing it. He’s been conflicted for the past year or so. I know what kind of searching brought him to your page, he’s very honest with me (more honest than he can be with any others in his life). He recently deleted his Facebook and email accounts, I think it was out of frustration. I hope he’s not giving up on sorting out his identity and his sexuality, and I’ll stand by him and support him all the way. He still reads your blog, though. You have an affect on him that I don’t believe you realize, just by your being honest and unaffected by the misguided opinions of others.
    He will see this, see that I wrote it, and we’ll talk. I like that he reads your opinions, he looks up to you. He said he wishes he had your courage.

    • I woke up to your comment this morning and I have no idea what to say except thank you. It came at a time when I’m feeling a little lost so it helps to know that there is someone who has seen me, even if only for a while.

      From the sounds of it your boyfriend is very luck to have you and I wish you the best of luck as you take this journey together. Not everyone has the kind of love and support you are offering as they struggle with who they are.

      I always try to be honest. I don’t see the point otherwise. I used to try and be what everyone expected me to be, but I finally realised that by doing that, I was in danger of losing myself.

      Thank you again for taking the time to comment. It’s good to know that someone hears me, and that maybe I’m helping them along the way.

      Good luck and take care.

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