Monthly Archives: September 2017

The loss of a light…

So I usually use my blog to talk about my beliefs in equality, or what inspires me to write but today I was thinking about something a little different.

I work in a small town grocery store. It’s a great place to work and I am very grateful every day that I was given the opportunity to work there. One of the things that I love about it is that I get to meet so many interesting people. As a small community, we get the same people in our store day after day and I talk to a lot of them. I enjoy listening to their stories, especially from the large senior population that comes to shop almost every day. I always try to remember that for some of these people, the cashiers and other store staff might be the only conversations some of the people get to have all day.

Today this lady came in and I hadn’t seen her in a little while. She’s a lovely lady and usually came in with her mom. Her mom suffers from dementia and I’ve known them for about 5 years now. When I first met them, her mom still talked. She would say hi, ask how I was doing and tell me she was going home to Spruce Grove every chance I get. Even then the dementia had started to set in but she was a feisty old lady, dashing off and trying to escape the store every chance she got. She was sneaky too, waiting until her daughter was distracted by something before making a break for it. She was always smiling while she did it too, and I knew that some part of her was getting a kick out of being a bit of a rebel.

Because they were in the store a lot, I could see as the dementia got worse. For a while she started glaring at me and a couple of times she tried to hit me, much to the horror of her daughter but I didn’t let it bother me. I can only imagine the frustration her mom must have felt in her moments of clarity, knowing there was something wrong and not knowing how to fix it.

The last couple of year, she didn’t speak at all. She yelled a lot, like a small child does, smiling and gesturing and still getting into little bits of trouble. You could hear her clearly as she made her way through the store with her daughter and it always made me smile. Most of the staff said hi to her and spoke to them both as they went through and the daughter was always very grateful for the kindness she found at the store for her and her mom.

Today the daughter came in alone and I asked how she was doing and her eyes teared up as she shared with me that her mom had passed away 3 weeks ago and I wanted to go around my counter and give her a hug. I didn’t though. I could see that she was trying hard to hold herself together, and sometimes when you are in that head space, a hug with good intentions can be the straw that broke the camels back.

But the reason her visit today affected me so much was how much she very obviously missed her mom.

Her life couldn’t have been easy the last few years. Her mom’s behaviour was pretty much that of a toddler, and the daughter looked completely exhausted every time I saw her. She’d always have to keep her mom behind her at the till so she didn’t run out of the store and her mom was always smashing the small cart she was pushing into her daughter’s side and I know it had to hurt, in more ways than just physical.

But she still missed her. Even though it was hard, even though it was probably painful, having to act like the parent in the relationship because I know that when my life is making me crazy, the first person I still want to talk to is my mom.

That kind of love really is amazing. I mean, I wouldn’t have blamed the daughter for being a little relieved that the ordeal was finally over and that they would both get some peace, but I could tell that she’d give anything to have her mom back, just how she was, for just a little longer.

Alzheimer’s runs in my family. Both my grandmothers suffered from it as did an aunt and I know the odds of one of my parents…or myself developing it is fairly high. And I won’t lie and say it doesn’t scare me. I rely so much on my parents, mostly because I truly enjoy their company, and I have no idea what I would do without them to lean on.

I talk to my mom almost every day and movie night with dad is one of my very favorite things. When life is wearing me down, moms always got a free ear for me and dad always knows how to make me laugh.

I can only hope that if I find myself in that daughter’s shoes one day, I can half as amazing as she did with her mom. Her patience and good humor were truly a miracle and while I know she most likely got down at times and probably despaired a time or two, you never would have guessed it from the way she interacted with her mom every time I saw them.

I hope that someday my girl remembers me and smiles through her tears.

And I’m thankful for days like today that remind of how lucky I am to have my family in my life.

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No, I’m not lost…just…misplaced. Also a fic rec.

Yeah, I know, I say it every time. Too long between blogs but honestly, my life is just not that interesting and finding things to write about that won’t get me into trouble can be difficult. I could find lots to say that would get me in trouble, lol.

I’m still working on getting Love Aggression published. I’m sorry it’s taking so long, but life gets in the way sometimes. I’m hoping for a cover reveal this month and to have a publishing date not long after that. Between books I forget how much hard work it is to go from manuscript to sale-worthy. I have faith in my publisher though. And just so you all know, I think you’ll love the cover. I know I do.

We are definitely heading into fall in Alberta. Warm days and cool crisp evenings are my absolute favorite. I also tend to write more in the fall, because it’s when I’m the most comfortable I think.

And I really do need to get back to writing. I’ve been letting it slip because I’ve been stressed over getting Love Aggression ready to go but I think it’s making me lazy, lol.

As for everything else, I’ve been so busy working that I missed Edmonton Pride this year and I’m also missing the AIDs Walk. Both make me very sad but I’m going to plan better next year. I miss getting to connect in a more literal way with the community my daughter belongs to (at Pride) and doing my best to help out HIV Edmonton just makes my life a little brighter. But, I will be making a donation none the less, and I encourage you to do the same in your community.

The one thing I don’t stop doing ever is reading. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I couldn’t read. It’s my escape from the stresses of life when I can’t actually get away. Today, I’m going to rec one of my favorite all-time series. It’s one of those that I can read over and over again and I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. I know I’ve recced it here years ago, but I’m doing it again because I can’t help myself. I know when I’ve finished it (the whole series, every damn time) I’ll be smiling.

The Sinner’s Series by Rhys Ford is about the Morgan family and their friends and the men who love them. Every story will leave you wishing you were a part of this amazing group of individuals. Kane Morgan and Miki St. John introduce you to the series in Sinner’s Gin. I warn you though…be prepared to get swept into a tidal wave of angst and love and Irish mother’s who you will wish was your own. You will be lost to the world until you devour every single story include the one from the dog’s POV.

You can find it on Amazon and at Dreamspinner Press and if you haven’t read it, I suggest you run to get them. DSP always has one sale or another going on, so take advantage if you can.

As for my stories, you can find me on Amazon as well as Dreamspinner so far. Soon you will be able to find me on the Purple Horn Press website so check them out as well. My dear friend Ashavan Doyon has his wonderful stories going up there and I promise you, if you are looking for stories that break your heart before putting it back together, then Ash is the writer for you.

And because Sinner’s Gin takes place in San Francisco, here’s a beautiful photo from Anthony Aceto to get you in the mood.

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Filed under Friday Ramblings, Pride, Uncategorized, Writing and thinking.