Did You Ever See Harrison Bergeron?

I’m bored and have no one to talk to, so here I am again, blurting my brains out.

I saw this movie quite a while ago. It was based on a book by Kurt Vonnegut and basically its about this dystopian world where everything and everyone is equal and nothing is great. No great writers, no great singers, no fantastic food…nothing. The best decription I can come up with is that everything is beige. Nothing is bad, but nothing is very good either.

At the time it really hit me hard. I couldn’t imagine a world without amazing literature and art and music. Where TV shows and movies were just bland and barely interesting. I couldn’t imagine being excited about anything in this world because it was so bland and what was the point if you were never blown out of your socks by something fantastic? And the worst part? No one noticed. Well almost no one, because it didn’t happen over night. It took years and years and went so slowly that everyone just drifted along, not seeing what the big picture was really doing to be. The governments were trying to keep everything peaceful, no more wars and the best way to do it was to give no one anything to fight over. And they did get peace but the cost was unimaginable.

Of course, humans being what they are, everyoe once in a while someone would wake up and really see the world around them. Someone with a little spark of something more. Someone who could write a better than anyone else, or sing or paint or play an instrument. And of course, the government couldn’t have that so they handicapped them in some way. Like Harrison. He was captured and because he was so smart, they were going to lobotimize him so he couldn’t wake the people up and turn them agains the governmnet.

He’s rescued just in time by a man from a secret society who offers him the chance to go and live in a secret world, where people who were smart and funny and talented gathered together. Of course he’d have to leave his whole family behind as well as everyone else.

Now here’s the strangest part. I can’t remember how the movie ends. I know in the book Harrison tries to take over the government and ends up dead, but I can’t remember if Harrison in the movie takes the secret society up on their offer.

Those of you who know me, know that I am all about equality, especially for women and the LGTBQ+ community. And to some, this may seem like the same thing as what happened in Harrison Bergeron, but it’s not. What I and many others are fighting for is for everyone to have the same rights as everyone else. And rights are not like pie. When you give them to more people, you aren’t taking them away from someone else.

I am worried about the world though. There’s seems to be so many people out there who are hating everyone who is not exactly like them. People who think that the “rules” they follow should be followed by everyone else.

People who don’t understand that just because they are on a diet doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat donuts.

This is the kind of world Harrison was living in. One that didn’t tolerate change or growth. One that was willing to lose so many amazing things just to make sure that they didn’t have to deal with anything that makes them uncomfortable. It was run by people who were so sure of their right to make decisions for everyone else because it was the only way to keep the peace.

I wish that more people would stop being so interested in what everyone else was doing and focus on what makes their own lives better. Try looking at the world with empathy and compassion and understanding and stop thinking that someone elses happiness is taking something away from you.

Go watch Harrison Bergeron, or read the book. And someone let me know how the movie ends.

https://g.co/kgs/cPbtKyJ

At a loss for words…

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I think my last post was my 50th birthday and I will be 55 in October. I’ve been at a loss for words in more ways than one.

I seem to have forgotten how to write. My muse just walked off and left me and it feels like I’ve lost such an important part of myself and I can’t figure out how to get it back. I’ve got a couple of almost written stories that have 50,000 words or more and I can’t figure out how to end them. I have a dozen or more first chapters that went absolutely no where. It’s like having something on the tip of your tongue and not being able to get it out. Some days it makes me want to cry but that seems like something I’ve forgotten how to do as well.

It’s kind of crazy but I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve stuffed everything down so far that I’m afraid if I ever let it out I might not be able to stop. So I don’t. I almost do, but then I can feel the sadness and anger and crazy-assed rage start to take over and I pull it back, because I know the person who’s standing there in front of me is most likely not the person who deserves to be on the receiving end of my insanity. Being the straw that broke the camels back doesn’t make you responsible for the backlog.

I do tear up. Video of an abused cat or dog? I start to sniffle. Those videos where military people are reunited with their loved ones? Tears always start to fall. My little neice or nephew says “I love you” and I’m grinning as my eyes fill.

But that’s it. Do I know it’s shoring up a crumbling dam with rotting trees? Of course, but I’m at a loss on how to fix it.

I thought about therapy, but I’m not sure I really believe it can help. I’ve seen so many people in therapy who never get better because the therapist can only work with what you give them and if you aren’t giving them the truth, then how can you actually heal. And I can’t quite convince myself that talking about stuff to a stranger is going to make me feel any better.

The hysterical thing is, here I am on my blog, talking to a bunch of strangers…if anyone even sees it.

I’ve also lost the words I used to have when people needed me to talk. The words that would fix things and make situations better. Anyone who knows me knows that I can talk for days without running out of things to say. If there were Olympics for running off at the mouth, I’d be a gold medalist.

But I think too much these days and reconsider every god damn idea that might possibly come out of my mouth because I might upset someone or be taken the wrong way. With my record, it’s a valid concern. So, I’ve kind of given up I think. And it makes me sad because I really do want to help the people I care about.

I feel like if I could ever get some of those words out of my head, I might be able to make room for my muse to come visit but I don’t know if that will ever happen. I hope it does. I have lots of ideas for stories I would love to tell if I could ever get over that stumbling block the size of the Great Wall of China.

Anyway, closing out with a pic of my writing companion George. She’s a bit of a stinker but I love her to bits.

It’s scarier when you say “half a century”….

I’m 50 today and I’ve spent the day thinking about the last 10 years of my life. I guess because 40 was the last big milestone. When I turned 40 I got all the teasing and “over the hill” comments and I really didn’t care because to me, age didn’t really mean anything.

It’s affecting me a little more today, mostly because I’m coming to realize that all those plans I made when I was younger…the ones for “the future” are probably never going to come true because time is running out and I can’t seem to find a way to make those plans a reality.

What are those plans? Doesn’t really matter. They really aren’t the point. It’s more about how time slipped away so much faster than I thought it would and isn’t that just a kick in the ass?

But some things have changed. When I turned 40 I had never heard the word “fandom”. I’d never written anything that I was willing to show people. I’d certainly never even thought I could write a novel, let alone publishing 6 of them.

When I was 40 I was an LGTBQ+ ally but I really didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know it was standing up for people even when the world around me thought I was a little crazy. I didn’t know then that the little 8 year old girl that was my whole world would become a part of that community. I didn’t know then that I could just as well end up with a daughter in law instead of a son in law someday, although if you would have asked me, I hope I would have said it didn’t matter to me. It’s really not a question I can honestly answer on this side of the last 10 years.

When I was 40 I didn’t have friends who lived all over the globe, people who taught me that maybe I wasn’t so strange for my thoughts and beliefs as I thought I was. People who understand me and have supported me through things that I didn’t ever think could be an issue. People who have opened my eyes to so many things that are happening around the world, good and bad, making me a bigger part of a global community. People who care about the world we live in and how we can at least try to make it a better inheritance for our children.

When I was 40 I was so lonely all the time. I worked from home taking care of other people’s kids because it was the best way for me to take care of my own child. I spent a lot of time watching TV half the night because I really had no one to talk to. I’m not good at making or keeping friends and so spending time alone while my husband worked was my only option.

I used to do stuff on the computer then, although mostly I just watched youtube videos. Then I discovered a show called Torchwood, a Doctor Who spinoff and I became obsessed. I found a bunch of fan vids on youtube and through them I discovered the story of two young, gay men and it changed my life.

Crazy you say? Probably, but it’s true. I started chatting to people in the comments on the videos and that’s where Louise Cossey found me. That’s when the world went loopy and I loved it. Through her I met a bunch of people who had the same interests as me. I discovered fanfiction, something I had no idea even existed, and being a voracious reader, it was a boon for me. Tons of free stories based on stories I already loved.

Then one day I got so tired of the writing on the show we all loved and thought “I can do better than that.” So I tried.

And people loved it! It was so amazing to be encouraged and told I was good at something that wasn’t cooking or cleaning or taking care of kids. I was finally told I was good at something that had nothing to do with doing things for other people, something that was just about me.

Then came that four chapter story that blossomed into 26 chapters and Louise and Dani and Ryan all told me to submit it for publishing and I thought they were nuts. (Still do, lol) But I gave in to shut them up and when that yes came from Dreamspinner Press , I literally almost fell off the couch.

I love writing, and the next few years were a little crazy.

Now I’m 50 and I’m feeling down. That creative streak that I was so proud of, the one that had me churning out story after story has abandoned me. I can’t write. I have 60,000 words of one story that I can’t finished and it’s killing me. I feel like I’ve really lost a part of myself. I’ve stopped even trying at the moment because it’s depressing me so much to be so stuck. I hope I find that writer in me again one day because I feel like I’ve lost a big part of my soul along with it.

For now though, I’m keeping busy, trying to be a good human, doing me best to make the world a better place. Getting Meghan ready for Vancouver next year is my immediate goal. I’m her constant cheerleader and her biggest fan. I have all the faith in the world that someday she will fulfill her dream of being the next Lin-Manuel Miranda because her determination is unfailing. If you don’t know who that is, Google him. He’s a writer and and actor and I director who’s taking Broadway by storm and my girl is chomping at the bit to follow in his footsteps.

Letting her go will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I’ll do it anyway. I want to see her take the chances I was always too scared to take.

So yeah, life is different for me now…and some of it’s the same. I don’t know where the next 10 years will take me, but I’ll keep going, trekking along to see what comes next. When I was 40 I wasn’t always sure I wanted to, so I guess that’s probably the biggest change right there. I’m still lonely sometimes. I’m still not good at keeping friends but I’m trying.

I’m keeping my eyes on the good, looking for new challenges to keep life interesting, and making the decision each and every day to just take it as it comes. It’s all I can do.

Living a little lost

Been a while huh? My will to blog seems to have disappeared along with my writing mojo, mostly because I don’t know what to blog about. But here it goes anyhow.

Things are puttering along mostly the same. I want to write, but when I sit down at my computer, I start writing and the next thing you know, I’m falling asleep. I literally cannot stay awake. I don’t know why.

Those of you who read or write in the m/m genre undoubtedly know about all the uncertainty going on over at Dreamspinner Press and I think that’s part of my problem lately.

When DSP said yes to my first book I was so over the moon I almost fell off my couch. It was like a dream for me, one that I never really talked about out loud, but seemed to come true none the less. Then they bought the second and the third and I was so damned proud of being a Dreamspinner author.

I still am.

I finally felt like maybe I would be leaving some small legacy behind me. It’s why I published under my real name. I wanted to be able to look back in the future and say “See? This is me. I did this really awesome thing once upon a time.”

And this not knowing what’s going to happen is killing me. Because I foolishly thought those books would always be there. That I could go to Amazon and look myself up and if I could see myself there, then other people might see me too. That doesn’t happen a lot, being seen.

But if DSP goes under, the books will go away and I am neither rich or smart enough to self-publish and what other publisher will want my mediocre novels? (Except Wrapped Up in Chains. I still think it was pretty damn good.)

I’ve not picked sides and I suspect I’m not the only one. It’s hard because there are writers I admire so much on both sides of the fence. Some are bound and determined that things are fine and if we only have a little patience and faith everything will work out. Of course, those are authors who’s names are synonymous with making tons of money for DSP and are probably the first to be paid. I want to believe them with all my heart though. I want DSP to thrive.

I have a hard time believing that the authors who are angry with DSP are lying, but I keep feeling like there’s more to this story than the public is hearing. I kinda wish I knew what to believe and I kinda don’t. There’s nothing like denial to keep the hope alive in your heart.

I haven’t been paid yet for the second quarter but its the first time I haven’t been. However I have a hard time believing that they aren’t intending to pay when they’ve gone through the trouble of having me sign up for Tipali and Box.com. I’m not owed a bunch and I’m holding out hope that it will be paid. I still believe that Elizabeth and the rest are trying hard to keep everything going and trying to do what’s best for all the authors who have put their works into their safekeeping.

It’s wearing me down though. I haven’t felt this lost since 2009 when I discovered Nuke and started writing fanfiction. I miss those early days so much right now, when I felt like finally I’d found people like me and that maybe I wasn’t so weird or strange after all. I miss the feeling of belonging that I found within that fandom. Louise and Dani and Sue and Mike and especially Anna and Ryan (10 years later Ryan, can you believe it???) You all still hold places in my heart that I can’t even begin to explain how special you are.

Another issue I’m having is that I’m questioning my right to write what I do. Some days I wonder how I dare to write about two gay men as a cis woman. The problem is that I have no interest in joining the Harlequin or Mills and Boon crowd. It just doesn’t interest me in the least. I haven’t read a het romance in 10 years and considering the volume of them I use to plow through before that, that’s saying something.

I’ve also had a little shot taken at my own morality. My Uncle Brian was killed in an accident a few weeks ago. It was such a blow to me and my family. The man was so much larger than life and when my mom told me, I think a few circuits blew in my brain…and my heart. I have several elderly family members and when mom told me she had to tell me something, that’s what I was expecting to hear about.

Uncle Brian? It was unfathomable. He and my Aunty Leanne hosted my wedding. They fixed up their acerage until it was a little piece of Heaven and then Uncle says “we arranged it with neighbors that you could do your photos there. Their garden is beautiful.” Of course we refused and did our photos right there at Hidden Acres, where so much love was invested into our day.

Did I mention that they are not related by blood? They are family I got to choose not that I was born with and I can’t imagine my life without them. We’ve all drifted apart in the past few years, as families grow and time creeps by without us noticing, but I always knew they’d be there if I needed them.

Last year was my parents 50th wedding anniversary and I’m so grateful to everyone who came to celebrate with us. But it wasn’t perfect until Uncle Brian and Aunty Leanne and their kids (who are grown-assed adults with families of their own) pulled up. I watched them get out of the car and started to cry. Uncle Brian gave me a big hug and said “how’s it going kiddo.” All of the sudden it was great.

Anyway, that’s what’s up with me. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and man, do I hate rollercoasters. Sorry for being so absent. I won’t make any promises that I can’t keep but I’ll try to do better.

My dad and Uncle Brian

Taking a stand…or how my kid is gonna start changing the world.

Wow, it’s been a minute and a half huh? I know I always say it’s been too long but I really do mean it.

So tomorrow, May 3rd, my daughter and a bunch of her fellow students are staging a walkout at their school. What’s motivated them and kids all across the province to take a stand? Our newly elected provincial government.

The UCP campaigned on a lot of promises and one of them is to roll back protections for kids who join support groups at school, including QSAs. What is a QSA? It’s a queer/straight alliance. It’s where kids can go for understanding and support as they figure out who they are and where they may fall on the queer spectrum. It’s a safe space for them to spend time, especially those kids who know or even suspect that they won’t get any support at home.

The UCP is trying to sell it as being in the child’s best interest, to let the school and teachers decide if the parent should be told that their child has joined one of these groups. They want teachers and schools to be able to tell parents if they feel like the kids might be “in danger”.

The problem with their thinking is that they could be endangering the child even more by outing them to their parents.

In a perfect world it wouldn’t matter. In a perfect world, every parent would support their kid whether they are gay, straight or anything in between.

But this is not a perfect world.

It’s kind of funny actually. I’ve talked to some people about this lately and when I’m trying to explain it to them, I get “Well, that doesn’t really happen does it? No one really kicks out or beats or kills their kids for being gay these days. Aren’t these kids being a little dramatic?”

This is coming from good people who just can’t seem to wrap their heads around someone harming their kids for being gay or trans. To them, the thought that anyone would put their religion or their personal beliefs ahead of their love for their children would be horrific. I mean, your kids always come first right?

But it does happen. Parents who would rather their kid be dead than gay. Parents who toss them out with nothing, leaving them homeless and alone with no where to turn. Shelters are full of children who have been turned out by homophobic, bigoted parents. They are on the streets, doing whatever they have to do to survive and some don’t survive at all.

That’s why they are taking a stand. Meg will be interviewed by CBC radio tomorrow morning and then someone from the local paper is coming down to the school to talk to her as well.

I’m going down too. To stand back and watch. Because I’m so damned proud of her. My girl is going to do amazing things in her life and this is just the beginning. This protest is personal for her. She’s pansexual. That pretty much means that she’s more interested in what goes on between a person’s ear than what they have between their legs. I could just as easily end up with a daughter-in-law as I could a son-in-law, and that’s perfectly okay with me.

I’m also going down because I’m terrified of what could happen to her. There will be people who don’t agree with these amazing kids and these days, who knows what they will do. But I’m going to stand back and let her shine, along with everyone else who is there with her.

These kids are going to change the world for the better and these protests are just the beginning. I can’t wait to see where they will go from here.

Spirit Day…time to take a stand for kids.

So, October 18, 2018 and for those of you who don’t know what that means I’ll give you a quick breakdown. 

On the Pride flag, each color represents something different. Purple represents Spirit and on Spirit Day I wear purple to show that I stand with kids in the LGBTQ community (and everywhere) against bullying. Why? Here’s some quick stats from the GLAAD site.

85.2% of LGBTQ students report being verbally harassed.

63.5%of LGBTQ students report hearing homophobic remarks from teachers and/or school staff because of their gender expression.

57% of LGBTQ students don’t report bullying or harassment because they don’t feel like anything will be done about it which will just make things worse for them. That same amount of students don’t feel safe in school.

63.5%of LGBTQ students who did report an incident said that school staff did nothing in response or told the student to ignore it.

Now these are American statistics but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening here in Canada. Around the world there are places where things are much, much worse.

No student should be afraid to go to school. It’s as simple as that. School (especially in grades 1-12) should be a safe place for kids to learn. If you think otherwise, I doubt you have ever been bullied.

I hear people say “kids gotta learn to be tough, stand up for themselves” but when you are systematically beaten down, mentally and physically on a regular basis, it’s hard to find the strength.

I was bullied in school, in elementary mostly. Not because of my sexual orientation, but for other things. It made me hate school and try everything I could to be there as little as possible. By the time I hit high school, I hated it with every fiber of my being. I went and did my best, but when you don’t want to be there, it’s hard to concentrate on your grades.

In high school, the torment was different. I wasn’t bullied physically, but I was ignored. I might as well have not existed because no one every saw me. I spent all my time there alone, watching people go by me like I was a ghost. I know I wasn’t the only ghost there, but by that time I was so hurt and angry, I’d decided that I’d stick with the few friends I’d made outside of school, because I wasn’t giving anyone anymore ammunition to use against me.

There were days when wishing I wasn’t there took on a different meaning and while I contemplated a more dire escape on a few occasions, the thought of my family suffering because of me kept me going. I was lucky…some kids aren’t.

Some kids are being bullied to death…literally. They find themselves so ostracized and alone that they will do anything to escape the pain. To adults it sometimes seems silly and dramatic but if you take a step back and try and remember what it was like for you back in school maybe you’ll see things from a different point of view.

When you are young, everything feels so big and out of control. I watch my daughter and see the drama going on between her and her friends and it breaks my heart so many times to see how scary things are for them.

I can’t even begin to imagine throwing in trying to figure out your sexual identity on top of all that.

My girl is pansexual. Basically that means she’s gender-blind (as she says) when it comes to romantic attraction. She’s had boyfriends and a girlfriend and she’s confident in herself because her father and I have made it clear that as long as they treat her right, we don’t care who she dates. Just don’t miss curfew.

There are so many kids in Meghan’s situation who are struggling to figure things out and when your peers are doing their best to make your life miserable, it can lead to desperate situations. Life and death situations and that’s what people who support Spirit Day are trying to stop.

If you have a kid in your life who’s a member of the LGTBQ community, talk to them. Ask them how things are going, see if they need some help. Look at that child and think about how you would feel if they were no longer there because that’s the reality that a lot of people are facing.

If you are a kid you can help too. If you know someone needs help, offer it. Or tell someone who can.

And if you need help, ask for it. I know it’s scary but you can do it. Reach out to me or to anyone you think might listen. Find the helpline for your area, look for an LGTBQ organization in your community or call the suicide prevention hotline for your country. Please don’t give up, there are people who care about you.

Most of all, on October 18, wear Purple. Be a visible reminder to kids who need help that you stand with them. You never know how close they could be to you.

Link to GLAAD Spirit Day info: here

What’s left of my marbles are circling the drain…

So, I’ve been housebound (bedroombound) for 3 days and I’m already losing my mind.

For those of you who don’t know, I had a stress fracture in my foot. I went to the doctor on Thursday and he referred me to the foot and ankle specialist and sent me off to the hospital to be fitted with an air cast. I went and got it but found it very difficult to walk in as it was too tall for me and put pressure on my foot in all the wrong places, causing me pain where I didn’t previously have any.

So, I took it off, vowing to take it home and try to figure out how to make it work…right after we took my kid to her audition for the Vancouver Film School. So of course, as I’m walking up a set of steps on the way to the audition, I tripped and snapped the stress fracture. It was probably the most painful thing that has ever happened to me, and I’ve had my gallbladder out and given birth.

So, I cried and limped my way back to the car and sent my husband off to the audition with my daughter and her friend. Once that was over (She got in! I’m so damn proud!) we made our way back to the hospital where they put a temporary splint on it and set me up with the orthopedic surgeon.

So here I am. I needed a wheel chair to get to the car because it was too painful to be on crutches. Once I got home, I made it half way up the sidewalk on crutches, crying the whole way, until my husband went and got my office chair and wheeled me the rest of the way to the house. Fortunately, my brother was at my house for something and helped my husband get me up the steps and into the house.

I crawled my way up the stairs to my bedroom and with my husband’s help, managed to get up off the floor and onto my bed. And there I have stayed, except for the occasional painful trip to the bathroom on crutches and to sit on my office chair (now back in its rightful place).

So far, this has been the most humiliating thing I have ever had happen to me (once again, I’ve given birth). And it doesn’t look like it will be getting better soon.

I can’t get myself a drink of water, or a slice of toast. I can’t go down and sit and watch TV. When my dog whines in the morning to be let out or to be fed, I can’t do it. I can’t have a shower because I can’t stand in the tub and so figuring out how to get clean is the next thing on my list of stuff to figure out.

I’m not good on crutches. I’m too heavy, have no sense of balance and my uninjured foot suffers from plantar fasciitis. The injured foot is on my dominate leg, the one I rely on to lift me up and help me navigate.

Someone is going to have to come stay with me when my husband is at work and my daughter is at school in case I fall and to feed me.

I know it’s temporary, and I know it will get better eventually but anyone who knows me knows how much I value my independence. I am the person who takes care of people. Let me cook for you, it’s my favorite thing to do. But I can’t get near my stove.

My biggest source of stress is my job. I love my job. I may only work at a small town grocery store, but it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. I love my customers and I’ve worked really hard to build a good relationship with a lot of them. And my boss is awesome. She is the hardest working woman I know and she inspires me a lot. She’s given me an opportunity I never thought I’d have, to do something that makes me feel like I’m making a difference.

I get a lot of my sense of pride from my job.

I’m pretty fond of most of the people I work with and they are the people I spend most of my time with. I’m going to miss them a lot while I’m off.

So now I have to find something to occupy my time.

I hope to get a lot of books review for Love Bytes. Dani will be happy with me, lol.

And I hope to write. I’m 12000 words into a work in progress that I think is pretty good. Plus there’s the sequel to Love Aggression I’ve been asked about. And I have 3 other stories that have great starts but kind of got sidetracked. So I have lots to write.

Also, there are like 500 books in my TBR file on my computer so I have a ton of stuff to read.

I know I’m lucky. I have a lot of people to depend on. My husband, my daughter, my parents. My brother and sister and their families will be looking in on me. So I’m not alone.

But man, it’s gonna feel like it sometimes. I see teary, angry days ahead. I have to figure out how to get out of the house to go see the surgeon on Thursday and I can only hope they will do what needs to be done right then. That will not be a good day.

And I’m going to sound dramatic some days…sorry about that, but it feels pretty dramatic at the moment. I also expect to come out of this with a new appreciation for all the people out there who are permanently in a wheelchair or other limited mobility device. the fact that you all figure it out without going completely bonkers is something you already have my admiration for.

So, if you’re looking to hit someone up for some conversation, come and talk to me. It’s not like I’m going anywhere, lol.

Love Aggression, the Pride Parade and life in general. June is a busy month!

My latest novel, Love Aggression came out on May 30 and I am so immensely proud of it. Getting it published took a long time and I hope Ashavan Doyan and Ron Desroches at Purple Horn Press know how grateful I am for all of their hard work. And writers, especially new writers, if you’re looking for a publisher, then give Purple Horn Press a chance. They will walk you through all the steps and I promise, you won’t be sorry. Here’s a link to the submission guidelines!

You know, this has been a stressful couple of months for me. Waiting for the release and then sitting and watching my book riding the rankings at Amazon like a roller coaster. It’s left me feeling a little sick to my stomach. But it also gives me a feeling of accomplishment that nothing else can compare to.

So what else is new? It’s Pride month, obviously and I got back to the parade this year, after having to work last year. My daughter Meghan was part of the Grand Marshal contingent this year and it made me so proud to see her walking up there with her peers, and standing up for herself and the community she was representing.

For those of you who don’t know, Meghan is pansexual. That means she doesn’t really care about the sexual identity of the person she’s attracted to. She looks more at who a person is in their heart and in their mind and I think that makes her amazing.

This year was the first time we encountered a protest at the parade. A group of people from the community wanted to be heard and made sure they were. I absolutely understand that there is still work to be done on behalf of transgendered persons and people of color in the LGTBQ community and I’m glad they had the chance to say what was on their minds. I hope that it will open up a dialogue with the Pride Committee and others who need to work on their interactions and support with the people are still feeling like they are on the outside looking in and terrified of the things that could still happen to them.

However, as a mother, watching your child disappear around the corner at the end of the parade, out of your sight, only to have it all stop a minute or so later it was very scary. I couldn’t see her, or the group she had been with, but I could see all the police officers who were there providing security looking in that direction. My only consolation was they didn’t seem very concerned and when I texted Meghan she answered me right away, telling me about the protest and letting me know that she was with people she trusted and out of harms way.

Fortunately it ended a short time later, with concessions made on both sides and promises for future talks. But the thought of what could have been left me sleepless for more than a few nights.

I thought about telling her no more Pride but then I realized that if I was going to stand with her and the rest of the community, then I also had to understand that sometimes there are risks. I always considered that before going, although my concerns where always more along the lines of queerphobic assholes causing problems.

I think when we are celebrating how far we have come in the world in regards to equal rights, we sometimes forget how far there still is to go. And as an ally, if I want to celebrate with you in the good times, I also have to stand with you in the scary, sad and frustrating times. This year was a sobering reminder that Pride didn’t start as a celebration, it started as a protest against oppression and I’m thankful for that reminder.

And as for the rest of life, well, it’s busy. Working full-time, trying to promote Love Aggression and finding time to read, write reviews for the Love Bytes book blog and work on my WIP…well it doesn’t leave time for much else.

Except thinking about that sequel my publisher keeps hinting at. Woof!

Anyway, you can find all my books at Amazon as always. And just so you know, my best-seller Wrapped Up in Chains is only 99 cents until the end of June!

 

 

Patience is a virtue, might be my only one…

So, it’s been a while. Life had definitely been making things interesting lately….or always.

Work keeps me the most busy. I love my job but sometimes it feels like it’s taken over my whole life and I have to work harder on changing that a bit.

Also, trying to write takes up a lot of my time. Not actually writing of course. That would be silly. I mean trying to find the urge to write. When I’m not at home with free time, there are a ton of ideas running through my brain. I write chapters of stuff in my head when I have no time to write it down, but as soon as I sit down in front of my computer, it all flies right out of my head and all that flows from my fingers is gibberish.

However, things are looking up. I’ve got some chapters of a new story, one that my friend, editor and publisher (all the same person, lol) says has promise. And I have an idea for Love Aggression.

Oh yeah, there’s that too. After a long, long, (so freaking long) time, Love Aggression will be out on May 30th, thanks to that publisher I mentioned. Purple Horn Press has taken a chance on me and for that I am eternally grateful.

I can’t wait for you all to read this story. I am still so proud of it. Its funny, after I go through the editing process with a book, I usually end up almost hating it. The stress of the whole publishing process drives me up the wall because it makes me feel so incompetent.

But with this story, its different. I still felt like a moron after the 3 round of edits but all in all, I still love it. I love my characters, especially Jesse. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love kids and Jesse is no exception. He’s a mashup of all my nieces and nephews with a big splash of my sarcastic, sassy and amazing daughter thrown in for good measure. I spent a long time looking after other people’s children and I’ve met dozens of wonderful kids just like Jesse…without the wolf shifter thing of course.

And Ty and Kelan? I hope you fall for them as much as I have. Sometimes I can’t believe that they chose me to tell their story. They lived in my head for a long time and I don’t think I’m quite done with them yet. They might make an appearance in another story I have in mind that stars one of my side characters that my pre-readers and proofer seemed to be fascinated by.

What else is going on? Pride is coming up in a couple of weeks. I’ve already booked the day off because I had to miss last year due to work. I am really looking forward to this year. I’m going with my girl, of course, and some of her friends who have never been. One of them is a young man who has just recently come out and he really is a wonderful human being. He’s been a great friend to my kid, which will always win my heart over and I know that experiencing Pride with him and Meg and Dani and Jeremy will be a lot of fun.

So yeah, that catches you all up on me. In a couple of weeks there will be another post with my flailing about my book and I will apologize now for my over-enthusiasm. For now, here’s a look at my beautiful cover, designed by the very talented Ashavan Doyon.

The world keeps spinning…World Aids Day 2017

Every year at this time I do a post about World Aids Day. Why? Because I feel like it’s important to remind people that this epidemic hasn’t gone away and even though things are getting better, there’s still a lot of fighting left to do.

I remember becoming aware of HIV and Aids a long time ago, watching on the news as it became apparent that this new disease so many people were calling “gay cancer” was something that could…and would affect everyone. And I was horrified by the fact that so many governments seemed so unconcerned about doing something to help stop it.

I haven’t always been an advocate of equality. When I was younger I was so caught up in my own life, so sure in my immortality back then, that most of the time, the goings on in the world around me barely registered with me.

But as I got older, I grew to understand that the people I shared the world with did have an effect on me and my life and that by at least trying to make things better for them, I was making the world a better place for me.

So, I could spout statistics here, tell you about the millions of people around the world who are still contracting HIV and dying from its effects. I could tell you about the treatments that are helping people live better lives, treatments that when followed properly will leave someone HIV virtually undetectable. I could tell you about all the amazing people in so many different countries who are working together to hopefully and finally find a cure for this virus that has taken so many lives. I could tell you that there are drugs you can take that will help protect you from becoming HIV positive.

But I won’t. If you’re interested, you will look that information up for yourselves. All the soapboxing I can do here will not make you care if you don’t already. I’ll include some links at the end of this post to help you along if you care to learn more.

What I am going to do it to continue trying my best to help where I can. I’m looking for new opportunities in 2018. I’ll be doing the AIDS Walk in Edmonton again and this year I’m hoping my daughter will join me. My kid has so much heart and spirit and it makes me proud that she is so much more aware of what’s going on in the world around her than I ever was at her age.

We will go to Pride together again in 2018, doing our best to support a community that so many people we care about belong to. We always meet the most interesting people there and it’s one of the ways we find opportunities to give back.

And I truly hope every year when I write this post, that someday I will be writing about how the cure was finally found. That is my dearest wish for the people I know who are HIV positive and for everyone who is living with, or will be living with this disease.

Here’s those links I told you about.

The link to CATIE in Canada: http://www.catie.ca/en/world-aids-day

World Health Organization information: http://www.who.int/entity/campaigns/aids-day/en/

Canadian Aids Society: http://www.cdnaids.ca/

United Nations: http://www.un.org/en/events/aidsday/index.shtml

Please take the time to investigate the options in your own country, where you want to help, or you need help.